Some Things Never Change
Loud honks resounded in a hot Lunar New Year’s night. Carole’s hands rummaged through the makeup drawer, looking for that very shade of lipstick that can perfectly tie up the look of her blue jumpsuit with its delicately embroidered white lilies.
After finding the lipstick and applying it, Carole swiftly put a few spritz of perfume behind her ears, a couple more on her wrists and paced out of her room.
“I'm going now!” Carole glanced at her mom, who was eating her dinner as she watched her favourite variety show on TV. Mom looked at Carole for a solid moment, then told her to stop in her tracks. Mom got on her feet, lacking any sense of haste, and disappeared into the bedroom, before coming out with a hairbrush and a hairclip bedazzled with rhinestones. She motioned her daughter to sit on the sofa, which Carole did, and she placed the hairclip on her daughter’s head.
“You should really learn how to style your hair at least this much,” her mom said, brushing Carole’s hair with mild strokes. “Now go with your father to that banquet.”
“I wish I could just stay here and have dinner with you.”
“Then don’t go and stay with me.”
“I could, but dad won’t be happy.” Carole sighed. “Especially since I already said yes when he pressured me to go with him.”
“Why don’t you want to go? Is it because of his wife and your siblings?”
“Well… There’s that but there’s also the others…”
“Just go and show your face,” Carole’s mom patted her back. “It's fine bah. Try to enjoy yourself.”
Carole crinkled her nose at her.
Dad was honking the car again. “Carole! We're getting late!”
Carole took a quick glance at Mom once more and left the house. Entering the car, dad’s face looked a bit sour for a second, but it relaxes as he turned to her. “You ready?”
She nodded. “Is everyone already there?”
“Ya, your mother, brother and sisters are already there.”
“Where’s Uncle Chang’s place again?”
“In Kampung Perigi. Let’s leave now before we lose any parking space.”
Upon arriving near Uncle Chang’s big house, it took quite a bit of time to find an empty parking space. So many cars have lined up like sardines in front of the house, so their only choice was to find a space a little further ahead.
Uncle Chang’s house is the only big house in Kampung Perigi. From a distance, it was bright, and an upbeat music was playing in the background, while the other houses nearby stood quietly with modest lighting.
The path to Uncle Chang’s house was rocky. He did not install lights outside, so it was dark. Carole had to tread carefully as she was wearing high heels. Her dad was fine because he had walked many a rocky path in the past.
Entering the gates of Uncle Chang’s banquet, the people there, who some of them Carole somewhat recognised, were throwing disdainful glances at her but she chose to ignore them. She convinced herself that it must have been her clothes and the makeup which she spent an hour working on to perfection. She did look lovely, it was undeniable, especially since her mom styled her hair.
The banquet was held outdoors. Red tents filled the courtyard and about a hundred of large tables filled with chattering family members and friends. At the very end, a stage and a podium, decorated with reds and yellows.
Mummy, Terry, and Timothy were sitting at a table with some relatives. The relatives pressed their lips as they saw the approaching Carole and averted their gaze. “Ah Carole, you’re here!” Mummy greeted her. “You look exceptionally beautiful today.”
Carole smiled, standing a couple feet away from their table.
Mummy asked Carole’s dad to join them, and he did. All the seats at the table were occupied. Carole stood beside her dad, fanning herself because she was already getting sweaty from the heat. She glanced around the area and there were no fans, and unfortunately, there was no breeze either. She pulled out her phone from the bag to check the time and found out it was still 7:20 PM.
“Why are you standing around for?” Terry said. “Go sit with Tess at her table.”
Carole walked over to the next table where Tess was chatting with her white boyfriend Tony and his mother. Carole made known to them her presence. Tess took away their bags from a chair to make room before continuing her conversation with the others. Having sat down, Carole reached out for the jug at the middle and poured a glass of orange juice. She sat down silently for a bit, then she reached out for her phone again to play a game.
“Look, she's the – child,” Carole heard a voice say a couple of tables away. “They are very kind to let her sit with them...”
“They must have accepted her as one of them…” Another voice said.
Carole noticed her phone looked blurry. She let out a controlled sigh, which was slightly shaky, and rubbed her eyes.
Why has everything remained unchanged since…forever? It’s the same old stupid gossip. Coraline tempted Thea’s husband and made a daughter. She sticks with him for the money. Don’t let the children close to the bastard kid or they’ll get bad influence. Why can’t they just live quietly and never show their face to us, ever? Carole gripped on her glass with so much force and chugged down her juice. Then, she took a couple of deep breaths to compose herself.
Not long after, dinner was served. Butter prawns, steamed fish, salted egg squid, satay and so on are served on the table. Carole’s mind was focused on the food’s aroma.
An hour later, Uncle Chang showed up with a bunch of red packets in his hands. It was time for him to distribute ang paos. He approached every table and gave those red packets to everyone, regardless of age. The adults were surprised he was giving them ang paos too, but he was indeed a rich and influential man, owned businesses related to tourism that has been booming in Semporna over the years.
Not much time had passed, and Uncle Chang was approaching the table where Carole’s dad was. Her dad wanted to refuse the ang pao, but Uncle Change insisted he gets one. “You’re one of my most welcomed guests!” Uncle Change exclaimed. Dad could only smile sheepishly as he receives one.
He continued giving ang paos to everyone else; Carole’s sisters, brother, mummy, including Tony and his mother.
As it was Carole’s turn to be given one, or so she thought. He paused. He looked at her, eyes not smiling, face as red as the packets he was holding and turned away.
“Uncle,” Tess called out, oblivious to what occured. “You forgot Carole’s!”
He paused in his tracks, his back facing to Carole. Then, he took a little moment to think before quickly slipping it into her hand.
The uneasy look he had fades immediately as he turned to the other table, greeting the family with so much cheer.
“I WILL BURN IT. Screw him, screw this place, screw everyone here!”
Carole had never looked at an object with so much hatred. She wanted to rip the ang pao then and there! But reason whispered to her and she barely managed to stuff the ang pao into her bag.
Carole could not bear being at that place anymore. She was at her limit. But years of training have been done, so her face managed to stay dry till the end of the banquet.
It was 10 PM and some people were starting to leave. Carole’s dad stood up and approached her. He asked her whether she wanted to go home.
Carole nodded. She could not open her mouth, scared that she might sound weird if she spoke, and everyone else might find out.
Her dad was silent. He must have had seen it just now. He patted Carole’s back and walked her out of the banquet.
It's raining. For a moment, Carole was worried her makeup would get ruined. But she thought that it was alright even if they did fade, no one can see her now. There were no lights in the path anyway. In this dark and rocky path, there was only Carole and her dad.
Her dad heard weird noises escaping Carole. Her nose was whistling as she breathed. She couldn’t make it stop. Her dad was still quiet as he walked beside her. Then Carole realised her dad’s polo shirt was dry.
They walked a bit further and reached their car. Dad turned on the engine as they closed the doors. Then, he broke the silence. He said, "You know, you can have the ang pao I got, I don't need it anyway." He put his ang pao in the cup holder between them. She couldn't answer him, even though she badly wanted to say he didn't need to. He didn’t need to give her that wretched man’s ang pao.
She looked away from the ang pao.
When they got home, Carole quickly entered the house. She found mom in the kitchen. Her mom saw Carole, and her face was filled with concern. “Carole! What’s wrong?”
As soon as Carole heard her voice, she burst into tears. She cried and cried. She didn’t remember when was the last time she cried this loud.
Her mom then knew what must have happened and hugged her.
After Carole calmed down a bit, she told her mom what happened in the banquet. “I knew I should have already expected this,” Carole said.
“You know, Carole. No matter what they think or do to you, I love you, and your dad loves you too,” mom placed a glass of cold water on the dining table in front of Carole. “I suppose this serves as a reminder for you that some people will never, ever change. But know that our love for you will never change.”
Mom hugged Carole, and this time, another pair of arms joined in to wrap around her.
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Reflective Essay
In this essay, I will evaluate the differences between the drafts of the story I have written. I initially wrote my story ‘Some Things Never Change’ as a channel to vent out my raw emotions, mainly my frustrations. I imagined a character whose an extension of me, venting out her frustrations of the unfair treatment she received growing up until now in a form of a monologue. After that, I formulated a story based on that frustration. I have included the element of ‘yearning’ in my story. Based on Butler’s idea of ‘yearning’, a phenomenon of want, which is the core of the plot of the story. I did not know what my protagonist’s yearning was at first, but after completing my first draft, I realised what it was. My protagonist yearned for acceptance. However, I found out that she did not need to seek acceptance from everybody else, especially since they hated her for existing. Thus, when I concluded the story, I wrote that Carole’s parents love and accepted her for who she was, because that was all that mattered. Having that last element has made the story into a lesson on the right form of acceptance, for me, and hopefully the reader.
Furthermore, when I wrote my drafts, I started with using the first-person point of view in the narration. The reason was that I needed to get into my characters head more and expose their thoughts. Though as I wrote the story, I realised on many occasions that the story did not flow effectively in terms of language, although the story was cohesive. I did consider using a third-person omniscient point of view but decided to keep writing in first-person and show it to my classmates in editing week for feedback. It turned out that I did get some feedback to change the point of view. Moreover, I have used different levels of juxtaposition in this story. In the sentence level, I juxtaposed both formal and informal narration in some segments of the story. I wanted the language to reflect my protagonist’s emotions, hence I defined formal language as a sign of composure as well as informal language to losing composure, indicating emotional rawness. I have also used contrasting symbolism for juxtaposition, such as brightness and darkness, as well as the heat and the cold. The darkness symbolized a private, safe space, whereas the brightness meant a space where all eyes were upon the person. The heat was the feeling of anxiety while the cold is for calmness. I have used symbolism, such as the rain, the rocky path and the glass of water. However, the key symbolism in this story was the ang pao. It represented acceptance. An example was when the protagonist’s father gave her his ang pao, it meant that he did not need it, and he wanted her to have it. I have used these techniques to impact my readers, but I’m unsure if they worked or not for other them, other than myself who have taken the stance of a reader. I hope the techniques had made the story deeper, having another layer of meaning.
Having gone through my writing process, it felt liberating. When I started to write this story, I had all the intentions to face my demons and be completely vulnerable. Thus, I initially wrote about something that exactly happened in real life. No character, no place and no circumstance were completely fictional. However, due to this, my classmates and lecturer did not completely understand the story in the earlier drafts as I forgotten all about the reader, but it was an important stage for myself as a writer. Writing out real life experiences was scary, but I had to do it because I needed to write good fiction in the future. When I kept my hurtful experiences and raw emotions hidden out of fear of vulnerability, it reflected in my writing. My characters were static and emotionally constipated. Hence, I took the plunge and wrote this story to liberate from my own emotional blockage. I do feel bad for antagonising a few people through my characters, but it was necessary for my growth, and I do hope I could finally write much better stories in the future.
Conclusively, I have evaluated the differences between the drafts of my story.
Bibliography
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Butler, Robert Olen, From Where You Dream: The Process Of Writing Fiction (New York: Grove Press, 2005), pp. 39-62